happppppinees::::: reflect,reflect, disconnect. all is assumed to be okay, then, the empathetic ear seeks out someone else to save. well hello dear, hear i am, still waiting, still wondering and i thought, perhaps i was mistaken, you were around for the long haul.the haul from here to the keys of florida stumbing around the keyholes of the deep waters clear water, where the sharks maul.  no one is able to see me, and i complain, too much rouge, too many booz. but where the fuck were you. you you you. i dont even know who you are. thats what i thought, look at my face, pearly teeth, smiling, and a casual hello, all is fine, yea, everything is fucking great, and i watch my breath as the words how are you bellow off the walls and into your left slightly ajarred jaw.:::::pause:please dont forgive me today seems all this love turns 20 shades of belligerent lampshadehate. then i remember its me not you, here i am, i let everyone tread upon the oceans of my blue.

bullshit. i had this thought toys are for tots, go play, go play.

this is the two week mark, no weed. thanks.

Currently Playing Lonesome Crowded West By Modest Mouse see related

<b>here we are, backwards hips, forward faces. our friends have all gone home for the night, its you and me, stuck on the tip of  some foreign film's opening  scene; man and woman stare through  tree trunk eyelashes while the ending has already been revealed, acknowledged, two thumbs down. i hate simple movies, simple endings, or when they are completely contrary to the novel , the novel some crusty old man devoted his life to writing and now, now the public pumps enjoyment through their yellow pop corned teeth sitting in the movie theator, too lazy to open the book, now, now they dont even know the truth. now i remember where i was going with all of this. now i sit with backwards hips and a forward face, you made me watch that movie, duration 3 and half hours, i bet knowing i would always cower, lifts your ego and emphasizes your power. now my body's satin black, midnight blue, entwinded with fine inbroadery that tells a tale of how i gained the strength to leave. you, you, a forward face but severed tongue, sometimes i watch it  flailing below the heart of your eldest son. i couldnt find my feet all the time i was trodding along, and now ive gained my eyes back i see where the print of my feats belong. away from you away from you, ill climb wood laced stone towers and find whats true, away from you away from you, perhaps in the magnifenct slepdor of a life lived in storybook candor. away from you, away from you, your cement laminated heart is too burdensome for anyone else to hold. away from you, away from you, and all the lies you told.</b>

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watch others in their  happiness

and fail to keep promises to myself.

watch others living out their dreams

watching my dreams fall into a pickled pool of pity.

watch others willing and able to go

standing still in wet cement, in a stagnating stationary stance.

watch other people try to cushion my blows and pull me from the debris of my own wreckage

feeling more  and more alone

no one is to blame

but me.

i make decisions

and then

i have to deal witht the weight

of those cumbersome repercussions.

i fuck myself over

more than anyone else

is ever capable of.